Our autism story began on September 7th, 2011, in Charlottesville, Virginia. But if I am honest, it actually began months before that. "How did you know?" That's a question I've been asked a lot over the years and to this day I still don't know how to respond. I just knew. It wasn't scientific, I wasn't a doctor, I was young and a first-time mother. So, what could I possibly know about autism? I can't explain it with logic, maybe it was simply maternal instinct, but I knew. I knew my son had autism in May of 2011, when he was just 18 months old. That's when my son lost his beautiful little voice and became silent. Overnight, he stopped babbling completely and it seemed almost as if he couldn't hear me anymore. I brought up my concerns with his pediatrician and I was shocked when he replied, "Courtney, I'm sorry, but your son is too cute to be autistic." Honestly, I wish that was made up, or an anecdotal exaggeration, but that actually happened. I thanked the doctor for his kind words because, in my opinion, he really was the cutest kid ever! But I knew, and even my biased mom instincts knew, I needed a second opinion. Reluctantly, the pediatrician gave me the number to a developmental pediatrician sixty miles away and I anxiously awaited over five months for an appointment for someone else to confirm what I already knew. The day finally came, and without hesitation, the developmental pediatrician empathetically said, "You know your son has autism, that being said, what questions can I answer for you today?" I vaguely remember holding myself together long enough to finish the appointment and ask the list of questions I had prepared. I have no memory of his answers, the only thing I vividly remember from that day is that I made it back to my car before I fell apart and sobbed while my, "too cute to be autistic," son smiled at me from his car seat. I was overwhelmed with conflicting emotions. I felt relief, anger, sadness, and guilt all at the same time. I mean, what kind of mother feels relief that her son has been diagnosed with autism? Yet, I also knew enough that not getting an autism diagnosis would mean my son would not have access to the therapies he desperately needed. So relieved, scared, and hopeful, our story began. Shortly after, I quit my dream job as a museum curator and moved back to New York. Thus, I began my new life as a full-time, stay-at-home, autism mom. To this day, I still have zero regrets. I was able to be there for him when he needed me the most and I met so many amazing people in those first years. I met parents, teachers, and friends all going through similar experiences. All different, but in no way less. I spent countless sleepless nights questioning, reading, and researching. I would lay wide awake at night, and always wonder, will I ever be able to hear his voice again?
Thirteen years later, what does this have to do with today? Well, I often think back to those early years when I was struggling to understand what an autism diagnosis meant for my son. Initially, I began reading everything I could about autism, and I do mean everything. I read online articles, journals, books, blog posts, Facebook posts, and endlessly scoured autism parent support chats. I read any and everything I could get my hands on. If my Google search returned anything with autism, trust me, I read it. I think initially I was looking for any shred of evidence that disproved his diagnosis, but I found nothing. Eventually, my thirst for knowledge about autism quickly shifted towards reading stories of hope, acceptance, and connecting with other families going through similar experiences. I discovered I could connect my thoughts, fears, and feelings through reading. I learned that reading gave me the power to connect with others who shared their stories, I learned that reading gave me hope.
Today, I am eager and hopeful this blog will allow me the opportunity and creative space to reflect and tell the rest of our story. Spoiler alert, I am still a proud parent of a child with autism. Twelve years later, we are still learning how navigate life on the autism spectrum, but we are writing our story together. Currently, I am a part-time graduate student and full-time teacher working with a diverse population of students who have special needs. I am forever grateful to hear my son's voice every day, but I am still curious to learn about the voices of autism that may not always be heard.
My hope is that this blog becomes a space for all voices to be heard. I want to create a community of parents, teachers, advocates, and students. Together, let's build a safe and welcoming environment to read, communicate, and connect through the many diverse voices and authors with autism.
What is your story?
With Enthusiasm,
Courtney G.
Mother, teacher, & student
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